When I was first introduced to the notion of conditioning by JK, I imagined that it had something to do with being aware of my thinking and my feelings. By the age of eight it was quite apparent that thinking was my biggest preoccupation and I was concerned that it was taking over at a terrific pace. The problem with this relentless movement of thinking was that it left me with little room for observing anything else. It was not until the age of fourteen that I began to suspect that perhaps conditioning had a lot more to do with my desire to justify myself. I then wondered if it is possible to be aware of this longing even as it arises. However, such a complexity of emotions arose at the thought of letting go of thinking; that I hastily gave up on such a possibility. Is there a way of clarifying my feelings without rancour, I asked myself instead. I went over the ground I had covered by then, hoping to find an answer. Thankfully, keeping track of my thinking had become second nature to me.

By then I had established that one can observe the impact of conditioning on outlook and behaviour. Considering my class mates, it was clear that we had all developed a particular point of view and by year 9 our disposition towards certain topics, teachers, friendships, dress codes and politics were all fairly well established. Observing such things had been encouraged by Krishnamurti during his annual visits. Observing our reactions and responses to the world and each other was one of the most important part of our education, he claimed without an iota of doubt. I quite agreed with this since it had focused my attention on my behaviour and the behaviour of those I was engaging with. It had made our studious book-learning in the class room relevant to daily life! What is more, it had opened up and then placed a whole dynamic field of relationship to daily scrutiny.

Looking back, it is curious that there was no censorship of conditioned behaviour in the beginning. In fact I had been able to recognise conditioned behaviours in others only after I had watched the habitual patterns settling down in my own established way of thinking. Consequently, I was quite gracious in my attitude towards the conditioned behaviour of others! The empathy I felt for others was informed by my observations of myself. Therefore, by early adolescence had someone asked me if it is possible to be free from conditioning, I would have looked at them dubiously.

I was having too much fun adopting various guises to want to be free. There was so much to learn about being female, being Indian, being a human being who would live in the twenty-first century with all its astonishing inventions. I was not really keen to divest myself of conditioning altogether in case I missed out on the promises that the media upheld as being imminent. In the seventies, it was interesting to be an individual, poised on the verge of great scientific discoveries which would transform life on earth. My head buzzed with excitement at the possibility of flying to other planets, travelling at the speed of sound to remote parts of the earth, not to say possibly, other galaxies!

Looking at the complexity of my thinking at fourteen years of age, I reasoned that there is no measure of how much conditioning there is, to be free from. I understood that it is simply a matter of being aware and of being sensitive to the upheaval going on as we each come to face our conditioning. However, reasonable this statement sounded, I could not quell a little longing that I would be able to take a break from the desire to justify myself all the time. I was fed up with lunging into the past to verify my existence. It was an awful preoccupation which was increasingly inhibiting the feeling of spontaneity that used to bring a lilt to my heart. In fact, I couldn’t recall when I had last thrown my cares to the winds and run wild among the hills as I used to with my friends when we were at junior school. Those were the days of abandonment! But now in year 9, I was faced with the grind of learning all the subjects off by heart in case they appeared on the Year Ten exam papers next year. I had to remember all the abstract information with glib assurance in order to prattle off the right answers and keep the ogre of failure at bay!

Observing conditioning from the early years is interesting. Because as the conditioning arises, one is aware and awake to its implications without any expectations to dictate how one should be. In the beginning, it is easier to let go, and observe what is not clear. So during the early years, one gets to watch the conditioned behaviour which is automatic, see how it ceases to disrupt and destroy relationship as intelligence acts subtly to alter relationships, where the individuals spontaneously engage, sensitively, not to compete - but to learn together and from each other.

This I suggest leads to creative resolution of differences and later, a more considerate engagement with one another. Before the ego falls into the habit of dictating terms and competing mercilessly, the very fact of being part of nature, is sufficient to fill the mind with wonder. Krishnamurti implied that the reason we were at school was to bring about a radical revolution through education. I was entranced by such a possibility. What more can one expect of education other than bringing about a society that works together for the benefit of the whole?